And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The best revenge is premature balding
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
