She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
