I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
