the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
