I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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