My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
