in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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