By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
