if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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