Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
