I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
