I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
