I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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