Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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