so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
