I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
