and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
