I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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