Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
