I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She's the barista slut.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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