Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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