I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
