i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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