i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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