Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
false alarm. still invincible.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
