Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
