Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
