Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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