theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
