I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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