If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
