I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
