Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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