Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
