Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
