Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
