oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
