dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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