I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I pour the whiskey from now on
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
