She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
