Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
