hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
