the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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