I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
