She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
