We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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