Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
