in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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