there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
