somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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