I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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