I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
