dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
