Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
