I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
