dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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