I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
